Turn, Turn, Turn

Jump to Comments

To everything
There is a season
And a time to every purpose
Under heaven

This afternoon was wonderful. Autumn has finally arrived. It’s been a long and interesting summer, full of intriguing twists, fateful meetings, and lingering memories, and I won’t forget it soon; but I’ve grown weary of the stuffy, hot air, and have been longing for a wisp of Autumn wind. I knew when I walked outside today into a chill in the air, that fall had finally come to visit.

I drove from Nashville to Madisonville, KY today, on the way to visit an old friend. It was a meandering drive, a trip through greens slowly fading to hues of crackling ochre and crimson. I’ve become so accustomed to city life that occasionally I forget the gentle loveliness of the countryside all around; it’s an awakening experience to absorb nature in the changing of seasons, especially this one.

I have been awakened to more than just the natural world. Most of the time, I capably and competently manage my life. I’m able to live with a healthy dose of restraint and normality. I’m not used to allowing myself to be opened up and exposed to who I am. Sometimes though, on days like today, all these things that have been building in my mind, and all these desires and longings in my life spill over and and flow out, and I’m suddenly aware of how much I don’t have settled in my life. I’m acutely aware of all the questions desperately bubbling over the brim, those for which, as yet, I have no answer. My calling, and subsequently my vocation; school; my family in ways both past, present and future. Oh family, how I miss you.

This all comes on the cusp of finding out two things. The first is the culmination of a roadtrip I took to Boston in April. It was there that I began the journey, acting upon my desire to pursue music full time in my life, and auditioned at Berklee College of Music. I have found out in very recently that I have been accepted to that institution, a discovery that could potentially turn my life upside down.

The second realization is that just like everything in this country currently, money will be scarce, and I will not receive much financial help to attend the school from the school itself, or from the government. I am in the difficult position of making a decision between the financially safe route, and turning down an opportunity I’ve deeply desired, or taking that opportunity, and risking the very shirt off my back.

This has all come at a time when I find myself questioning who I am, what I am here for, where I am supposed to go; I find myself feeling small and helpless, unable to answer those grandiose questions with even an ounce of certainty. It feels like whatever decision I make will alter my life in massive ways. It’s so tempting to act on fear, especially financially-based fear; I certainly could be justified by common sense.

But God never works through common sense. He always seems to work through the completely unlikely, through dreams and fantasies that couldn’t happen in reality. I’m in the slow process of submitting myself to that craziness, the haphazard trail that God weaves in and out of so many people and places, and somehow, against all odds, seems to work all things together for the good of those who love Him. I’m finding it hard to step forward; I want to see all the steps laid out in front of me.

This is a time in my life where the season is changing; there is something new in the air that wasn’t there before. I’m not sure of what is ahead, but I’m trying, so very hard, to trust in the hand that moves the seasons in time. I’m so used to change, but it still surprises me every time it happens. Here I am, walking into a new season that I cannot surpass. One through which I must walk with hope and expectation. Fill me with hope, I desire hope, I can change, but only if you are there behind me. Turn with me, God.

1 Comment

Filed under Uncategorized