Greetings, all you people in bloggerdom! I have returned from many months away, out in the wilds of the “real” world, pursuing conquests of bravery and skill, and come to you now, the victorious, great conqueror.
Well, actually, I’ve just been really busy with life, and haven’t been able to keep up here. Generally on this blog, whenever there’s a massive down time between posts, it usually means that I’m going through some spectacular transition in my life, and that definitely holds true for the last few months. Since my last post, I quit my job in Tennessee, moved back home, enjoyed Christmas with my family, moved to Boston, started school at Berklee College of Music, visited the Big Apple for the first time, took midterms, had spring break, visited Maine for the first time, enjoyed Easter here in Boston, and then, after all that, decided to write a blog post.
Berklee is my new life. I eat, breathe, and sleep music. I’m saturated in it, soaked through to the bone. It’s the first time in a long time that I’ve been so free to let myself enjoy something that feels so natural and exciting. Not to say that it isn’t a ton of work, because it is. But it’s good work, fulfilling work that’s moving toward something. I can feel my creativity growing, expanding; it’s like I’ve had so much I’ve wanted to “say” through my music, but it’s just now that I’m gaining a vocabulary of sorts to express those thoughts.
I have also gained an amazing community. I live in a home with a bunch of other guys, who all come from different countries. I’ve been across the pond before, been to a few countries other than my own, so I have had a little taste of the multicultural soup; but living in a house with people from every corner of the world, seeing them day in and day out, is an entirely different experience. It’s given me such a new perspective, a different angle. And yet, even with those new experiences of interacting with different cultural understandings than my own, there is a camaraderie here, a common appreciation for our community, that all of us, guys from every continent and area of the world, have carved out in our little corner of Boston. It’s a good and simple thing, even while it expresses itself in complex ways day to day.
It’s funny how we go through times in our lives that feel so real and present and full of struggle and pressure and frustration; and then, we find something so good and right to live in, that those former times in life become like passing dreams, vague impressions. Sometimes I feel like my whole life is a collection of impressions that I’m unable to completely keep intact as meaningful memories. It’s like one of those dreams where you want to reach out and touch something, but it’s always just beyond your grasp. That’s a little of how it feels when I recollect my time in TN; impressions of good friendships and meaningful experiences, but I can’t remember with any clarity the monotonous moments of slogging through the duties of life, which at the time, felt so real and intrusive in my life, only the good things.
Right now, in this moment, I’m trying to live in the good things around me, and not let the joy of what I have here pass through my grasp. I’m learning more each day to appreciate the goodness I have in my life. I’ve been feeling lately like my life is suddenly whizzing by so fast that I can’t stop it. It’s so odd, I can’t seem to live in whatever moment I am, because within seconds, my life is moving on. I can already see years ahead of me. When I was a kid, everything seemed to move in slow motion; time was incomprehensible to me, a massive mountain with no peak in sight. Now, suddenly, I can see everything, both past and future; time is something I can hold in my mind, and I can see forward to the end. I don’t like it. I liked much better the idea of living as a child, oblivious to the ephemeral nature of life, perhaps even subconsciously thinking I’d live on and on and on. Today, I’m only in my early 20’s, and yet, I feel as if all of my life is now, as if I were born yesterday, and will move on tomorrow. It’s so fleeting, and living in it, I sometimes feel like I’m oblivious to it’s movement, and then I’m 20, and then I’m 40, and then, and then…
I am making a vow now, to live in my life, and to intentionally be aware of it. It’s too short to live in some sort of subconscious comprehension. I want to experience everything there is to experience, know everything there is to know here, feel to the greatest extent possible, do whatever is humanly possible for me to do. It’s all happening now, and it all must happen now. Here at Berklee, life is just as much available for the taking as it was in Tennessee, or anywhere I’ve ever lived, and I don’t want to make excuses for letting weeks, months or years get away from me. I have such goodness here, and I want to take hold of it.
This Easter, I was reminded again of the joy of the incarnation, God becoming man. That sense of becoming, of Jesus’ sacrifice, and His resurrection, that’s part of this incarnational part of life that I want to take hold of. Madeleine L’Engle calls it the chronos vs. the Kairos, linear motion in history, versus the true element of eternal life, in which we are already playing a part. Every time we submit to goodness or beauty or truth, we’re living in the kairos, we’re living an incarnational life. It’s the only way I know how to grasp life as it is now, and not lose it, and I hope and pray I’m able to do it from day to day.
I wish you all a joyous belated Easter, and hope you are all able to live in the time that you are now, to take hold of it and find what it has for you, why you are in it, and how it will give you sight beyond the chronos, into the joy and goodness of the kairos.